Having one of those days/weeks/months/years... Lately, all I feel is not good enough. It's a vicious cycle and it all starts with feeling tired, like all the time. Then I'm not motivated because I'm wallowing in tiredness. Then I feel like a loser because I'm tired and my house is only half way clean all the time. It's never spotless. Ever. Just good enough, so then I just feel lazy. Then I start feeling sad and chubby and hungry and out of shape. Then I move on to feeling irritated and defeated. Then I play the blame game and all the blame goes straight to me. My head is filled with things like: This is what I get for not reading my scriptures like I'm supposed to and for skipping family home evening for four nights of football and baseball practice per week plus games and weekly date with the PTA. I must admit, I love helping at John's school. It makes him so happy to have me there. Last Friday, I helped the PTA in the morning and had lunch with John in the afternoon, we were both happy and Ryan and Anna got some much needed one on one time.
When I look at my kids, I feel a surge of joy and thankfulness that is automatically followed by the thought that I'm not good enough for them. I could be more fun, I could be happier, craftier, more patient, smarter, healthier, more compassionate, more resourceful, more spiritual and more joyful. So why must I dwell on all the things that I am and am not and wish to be? Hmmmm.... What I do know is that I love my kids with everything that I have and I do everything to make sure that they are happy and loved. Then I realize that my kids don't see me the way that I see myself. They don't focus on my faults, they focus on the good. Who I am right now is enough for them. They are happy. Today I was looking at an animal book with John and Anna and we were picking out what we wanted to be and I picked something furry and sweet and John said, good choice Mom. It's cute like you. Awwwhh!
So after all of this, I have realized that I must recognize the good in myself, keep striving to be better and draw near unto the Lord in this time of doubt instead of falling to the ways of the world. Lately, I have just had all this doubt about the tender mercies of the Lord. Why would he know and love and protect my path and meet my needs while thousands of innocent people lie starving on the other side of the world. There are literally thousands of men, women and children starving in Somalia this very minute as I sit on my leather couch complaining about having too much food to eat. This seed of doubt has made me not want to ask the Lord for the things I need because I feel so unimportant compared to all of those in this world that really need the blessings, protection and mercy of our Father in Heaven, the comfort of the Holy Ghost and the redemption we find in Christ.
I may not be able to change the world, but I can keep trying to change me. I will strive to love and serve the Lord and raise my children to do the same and when I feel doubt, I will pray.
It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.
When I look at my kids, I feel a surge of joy and thankfulness that is automatically followed by the thought that I'm not good enough for them. I could be more fun, I could be happier, craftier, more patient, smarter, healthier, more compassionate, more resourceful, more spiritual and more joyful. So why must I dwell on all the things that I am and am not and wish to be? Hmmmm.... What I do know is that I love my kids with everything that I have and I do everything to make sure that they are happy and loved. Then I realize that my kids don't see me the way that I see myself. They don't focus on my faults, they focus on the good. Who I am right now is enough for them. They are happy. Today I was looking at an animal book with John and Anna and we were picking out what we wanted to be and I picked something furry and sweet and John said, good choice Mom. It's cute like you. Awwwhh!
I have gone through similar phases in my life too. I think discouragement/comparing ourselves/feelings of inadequacy are one of the adversary's best tools against us as women. For what it's worth, I think you have a heart of gold, you are an amazingly attentive, loving mother, you are a thoughtful good example of a friend, and I love your home! I remember telling my sister one evening that I was so discouraged at how few things I felt like I had accomplished that day. She told me to write a list of everything I had done-big and small. The list was huge! We don't consider the millions of tiny things we do for our family as important, but they're vital and they build our family up. You do so much-that's why the adversary wants you to feel like you don't. You're amazing!! <3
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